In 1893, a guy named Clark Stanley got up on stage at the Chicago World’s Fair, reached into a canvas bag, pulled out a live rattlesnake, and made quite the show. He sliced it open, boiled the fat, and claimed the oil would cure arthritis and just about everything else under the sun. That snake oil? It sold like crazy for years.

There was just one problem: it didn’t actually work. Chinese water snakes, used in traditional Chinese medicine, have high levels of omega-3s and could help with joint pain. But rattlesnakes? Not so much. Stanley took a half-truth and turned it into a marketing machine.

Fast forward to today, and unfortunately, not much has changed. Except now, the “snake oil” being sold isn’t for your joints. It’s for your retirement.

The Promise of “Guaranteed” Returns

Recently, The Wall Street Journal ran a profile on a company called Next Level Holdings that promised investors a “guaranteed” 15.25 percent return. It was marketed as a retirement solution, pitched with confidence and just enough technical jargon to feel legitimate. Even some of the agents selling the product invested millions of their own money.

One of the victims, Richard Whitacre, had just been laid off. He was 60 years old, trying to find financial stability again. Like many people in that situation, he wanted a win. Something to catch him up. So, he pulled his entire 401(k)—over 760 thousand dollars—and rolled it into this “can’t-lose” investment.

A few months later, distributions stopped. Then a notice came: the company was liquidating. He lost everything. And to make things worse, because he didn’t roll the funds into a qualified retirement account, he's now on the hook for a 100 thousand dollar tax bill.

Reality Check: The Market Doesn’t Do Guarantees

Here’s the kicker. If Richard had left his 401(k) where it was, he might have made more. The S&P 500 gained around 24 percent in 2023. But hindsight is always 20/20, and emotion is a powerful thing when we feel behind or uncertain about our future.

As an advisor, I see these stories and they hit hard. These aren’t reckless gamblers. These are people who genuinely want to do the right thing with their money. But they get misled by slick packaging and promises that no one can realistically keep.

So, What Can You Do?

Here are a few reminders I always give clients:

1. Be suspicious of guarantees, especially when it comes to market-beating returns. There are no shortcuts. Only strategies.

2. Just because it sounds legit or comes from a friend doesn’t mean it is. Bad investments often look good on the surface. Even well-meaning people can be wrong.

3. When in doubt, talk to someone objective. Ask questions. Run it by your advisor before making a big move, especially with retirement money.

You don’t need a home-run investment to win this game. The real secret is consistently making smart decisions, staying patient, and tuning out the noise.

If you’re ever pitched something that sounds too good to be true, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d rather talk through it with you now than try to help clean up the mess later.

Stay grounded,
Charlie

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